Been a while

Well, its been ages since I sat and wrote, and so much has happened in the meantime.

Robin and I sorted our little tiff out - I acted like a mature adult (a first for me in an argument) and he talked to me and said he wasn't feeling well. Turned out he had an upper respiratory tract infection and was feeling really rough. Mind you he did realize that I'm not a mind reader and it helps to tell me if he is feeling ill, as I've not known him long enough to be able to read the signs.

Still a quick trip to the Drs and some tablets later he was feeling much better. So much so that he took the girls out on Friday to the National Railway Museum in York so I could get on with some work. The upshot of which was that the girls (And Robin) had a whale of a time and I finished making calls five minutes before they all came bouncing through the door.

Saturday we went to look at two houses that were for sale; one was "the house doctor" meets "the Stepford wives" really nice but soulless, bland and characterless.

The other one was to die for, Lovely old weavers cottage, 6 bedrooms on three floors, light airy, lovely garden with loads of potential..... Just one down side ..... at the moment its beyond our price range. Give it 6 months and it would be a different picture, but at the moment its not going to happen. I seriously doubt though that the house will still be on the market in 6 days time never mind 6 months.

Still some things are meant to be and for now its obviously not meant to be... Perhaps there is something better down the road for us.

I realized yesterday that with the time Robin has been here (while he's not been working and the time I'd known him before that), we've had the equivalent of 6 months together (if we'd only been seeing each other at weekends). It kind of explained a lot when I worked it out, as it feels like we have been together a lot longer than we have, more settled and permanent.

Robin went to start his new job yesterday - its down south, so he traveled down to a b&b yesterday to be fresh for this morning. There were tears all round as he left, more here after he had gone and I'm fairly certain there were a few in the car as he was driving. The girls and I are missing him like mad. I keep telling them he will be back at the weekend but that might just as well be next year to them at the moment.

I spoke to him tonight, which was good, but hard. He felt so far away on the phone and all I wanted to do was hold him and be held in his arms. I didn't say too much about how much I was missing him as I got the feeling that it wouldn't help him much being stuck in a room by himself.

I'm sure that we will all settle into the routine of things and this 6 months will pass really quickly - at least I hope it will and if I keep telling myself it, hopefully I will start to believe it too.

Still there is one good thing to him being away - I get the bed to myself and I can snore to my hearts content without being elbowed and I don't get woken by his snoring. So there is some good!
I'm off to bed now to think of him and possibly write him a note or two while the girls aren't about and I can think straight.

Spoken too soon

Well, I guess it was too much to last - the lack of cross words. Although the strange and really unusual thing for me is that I haven't come out with them.
Normally when I'm angry I scream and shout and do the adult version of throwing a tantrum and stamping my feet, but not today - perhaps I am growing up after all.
So why was I angry - well, lets see, Robin had agreed to do some child care for me this week so I could work on something, and today he wouldn't get out of bed. By 1.30 I had steam coming out of my ears.
I needed some bits doing in town (namely a cheque paying in today so it would clear by Friday) and we needed some bits from Morrisons. I'd asked Robin if he fancied taking the girls into town thinking I could get some work done while they were all out. His response was to go back to sleep and snore.
So I made the girls put their shoes on and went into town myself, did the bits that needed doing, let them have Mcdonalds (which tasted truly vile) and went to Morrison's and came home.
Luckily for him Robin was washed and dressed by the time I got back, but I was still steaming.
It wasn't so much that he hadn't done what I'd wanted, it was the feeling of being let down over the agreement for working. I checked with him before I took the job on, and I felt like he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain.
I felt betrayed and hurt, frustrated and lost. I know a lot of the feelings weren't to do with what had happened, but were flash backs to old hurts from previous people and that I was responding to other people in a way, but the feelings were there none the less.
I guess it hasn't helped that my back is really really sore today, like I've never known it to be, and my period is starting, so I'm a bit on edge anyway.
I know too that I am really not looking forward to Robin being away during the week starting from next week. Part of me feels like a spoiled child that wants to stamp her foot and say its not fair and I don't want you to go.
But the practical, logical side knows that it is what has to be done, and any job is better than none. I know that there are bills to be payed, and Robin needed a job for himself, and the money will benefit all of us. But it still doesn't stop me not wanting to loose him during the week.
I guess its because I'm insecure in myself that I worry he will become distant while he is working away and our relationship will fall apart. I guess we are still so new together that I don't have confidence in how he feels for me, not to mention having confidence in myself - that someone would like me and love me and want to come home to me at the end of the week.
So instead tonight I've been distant and remote, I don't know how to let these feelings go, to stop holding it against him.
He is trying, he cooked tea, played with the girls and even washed up tonight, I know he is sorry and is aware he upset me. Perhaps a good night's sleep will put it behind us and we will be ok. But I really don't want the night to end on a sour note. 'Cause I do love him, even when I'm being bad tempered and crotchety.

Good news

Good news, Robin finally got a contract for 6 months and the pay is really good. Although the down side is that it is near London so he will be working away during the week and then back here at weekends.

I know he has to do it and that it makes sense and its the right thing etc, but I am going to miss him. There's the snoring for one thing and then there is the bed hogging and the duvet stealing. Mind you, I've been told I'm just as bad as he is.

We worked out today that he has been here for nearly a month - not bad for an upset person on the end of the phone I said come on over to. But.... the thing is, that despite the stress, the children, the heat, the pmt, the job hunting, despite all of that, we have got on really well and not had a cross word. Lots of cuddles and kisses and other things, but not cross words.

I realised to that I can actually see a long distance future. Sitting in front of a fire when we are both old, playing games and doing the crossword together. Not that I want to panic him by talk about the future etc, but I wasn't able to envisage that with Cris and I think it makes all the difference.

Went to meet his family yesterday for a bbq at his sisters house. My God was I nervous before we got there. I really felt ill in the car on the way there, and wanted to go home again. I think I was expecting to have everyone look down their noses at me and be generally horrible - much like the last few families I've had to meet in this situation. But to my surprise, everyone was really nice, friendly and chatty. One of my main concerns had been the children misbehaving and showing us all up, but I couldn't have asked for them to be better behaved, they were really great


I even got a good review from his sister and mother when he spoke to them later, which was even nicer to hear. I guess I'm just used to people not liking me, and find it hard to accept that some people might actually find me ok.

Thinking about it, its almost like the last few weeks with Robin have been a lifetime in miniature and they have been good weeks. I feel like it bodes well for our relationship and how it will go. Its too soon to be planning for a retirement together or any other long term ideas, but it is nice to have that glimpse into a possible future, and for it to be good and happy.

On that happy note I'm off to bed to cuddle my teddy and dream of Robin.